Here Are The Things That Make Me, Me…


 

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  • I used to stare at the sun only because my mom told me not to. I ended up having to go to the eye doctor who proceeded to laugh when I told him why I did it. The real reason was because I thought that if I stared at the sun long enough, I may develop Superman laser vision.
  • I was in an elevator as the door was closing. A woman came running up to the door and yelled for me to hold the elevator. I didn’t think I could hit the button in time, so I let it go. In the process, we made eye contact with each other, kinda like when the mom in the movie, ‘The Good Son’, looked at Macaulay Culkin when she let go of his grip and he fell to his death off a cliff. The other person managed to hit the button on the outside of the elevator and the door opened back up. I looked at her and said, “Sorry, I didn’t see you.”
  • I faked a leg cramp during my first kiss.
  • I spilled a full party bowl of macaroni salad that a co-worker brought to work. He was way too proud to have me ruin it for him, so I scooped it all back up and never told a soul.
  • When I was 7 years old, I started a fire in my mom’s bedroom. My little brother was the only witness. I told him not to tell and blamed the baby sitter. She had screwed up enough already.
  • I used to work as a prison guard. Scary, huh? Working around all those thieves, drug dealers, and violent offenders. And that was just the other guards.
  • I had extensive schooling and actually attended school for 7 years. It was high school.
  • I started losing my hair at the age of 13. I had long, wavy hair at the time and I got my mom to apply hair relaxer to it, cuz I preferred straight hair. She rubbed it all over my hair and scalp. When it was my brother’s turn, (he was also growing his hair out), she read the bottle aloud, “Hmmm, it says here, ‘Do not apply directly to scalp’.” Thanks, mom!
  • There’s a mugshot of me out there, somewhere. If you find it, I’ll give you $50.

 

 

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