I Almost Died Today


death

Perhaps I’m being a little too dramatic with the title of this blog, but after today’s scare, it sure felt like I was gonna get kilt!

I was riding my 2006 Harley Davidson Ultra Classic, headed eastbound on Pershing Ave. I was riding at the slow pace of 25 mph through a residential neighborhood. At the corner of Pershing Ave. there is Walgreen’s store with parking lot exits on three sides of each neighboring street. As I approached one of those parking lot exits, my vision was blinded by another vehicle that was parked along the curb near that parking lot exit. As I approached that portion of that parking lot, a huge truck made it’s way out. The idiot driving that POS, (I’m sure it was a 2016 Chevy POS), failed to stop as they drove through the exit. I saw the nose of the truck come in to my vision past the parked car and I had but milliseconds to react. I hit both of my brakes in an effort to stop my bike’s momentum and not hit the truck straight on. At the same time, the driver of that POS recognized that they made a crucial error by not stopping, and INSTEAD OF BRAKING to allow me to at least have a change to swerve to avoid hitting them, they accelerated and moved even more into my path. The idiot driver then brought their truck to a complete and abrupt stop. As I applied my brakes, my bike skidded to the right, sending my handlebars towards the left. I ease up on the brakes, allowed the motorcycle to continue its momentum as it skidded and I managed to swerve, (onto an oncoming lane of traffic, mind you!) and missed the truck literally by inches!

The driver of the truck did not stop and I pulled over at an O’Reilly’s, where I was actually headed, and took a few deep breaths and went inside. Despite the fact that I managed not to get hit, I can still recall seeing the crowd of people that froze to watch my almost impending doom. People walking outside of the Walgreen’s and on the sidewalk stopped and stared hopelessly at my predicament. It was like when Mike Tyson was knocking people out and people paid buku bucks just to watch his fights end in the first round. They knew I stood no chance.

I have been riding my motorcycle every day since I got it this past April and I have always practiced being safe. I have seen drivers of cars make driving errors each and every day I’m out there. It’s almost inevitable that drivers make mistakes daily in this city. Some of these people have no regard for their safety much less the safety of others. I know I’m venting, but my heart has not stopped beating fast for over an hour now.

Thank you for reading…

Try To Stop Saying These Things


14624817_363652277300412_8386226663972667392_n

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and all of a sudden, you begin to notice some of the repetitive words or phrases they continue to use? For example, you continuously keep hearing the other person starting their sentences with the phrase, “I mean”. “I mean, that’s how I feel about it. I mean, am I wrong? I mean, what would you do?”

Is it me, or is this not noticeable to the masses? Does any sentence need to start that way? If the thought is going to your brain, then to your vocal cords, then to your mouth, then audibly out of your mouth, I believe the assumption is that this must be what you “mean”, isn’t it? Must you preface your statement with the phrase, “I mean”? I mean, right? It seems like such a waste of words. Is this perhaps, the comedian side of me thinking this way? After all, brevity in comedy is everything. The shorter the distance from the set up to the punchline, the more laughs per minute I’ll get. I feel this way about the words, “Well” and “So”, or “Look” to start a sentence. Don’t get me wrong, I do this too, but I annoy myself every time I do it. I think I need help. I mean, do you think I need help?

How about this one? “In my opinion…” I hate using that one, but I use it a lot. I think it is fair to say that anything I say, that is not backed up by discernible facts, is my opinion, so why state the obvious? Maybe it needs to be stated so that the other person doesn’t fire back with, “Well, that’s your opinion.” Of course it’s my opinion! It came out of my mouth and originated from my very own brain, thank you very much! And why do you have to start your sentence with, “Well”? Just tell me it’s my opinion and be done with it.

Well, I’hope I’ve confused you all enough. Look, I only say things to entertain. I mean, that’s what I do, right? So, I guess that’s it? You can stop reading now.

I’ve Been In Three Fist Fights


boxii

I’ve spent most of my life trying to keep fit and remain athletic, but that doesn’t mean I know how to fight. Maybe I’m a little wiser now and might be able to handle myself better. After all, I was 13 years old the last time I fought anyone, so who knows what kind of power I harness now?

I remember my first fight, which turned out not to be much of a fight at all. I was twelve years old and joined the rest of my 7th grade friends at the school gym, preparing to sign up for the upcoming football season. It was just a bunch of us boys waiting for the coach to make an appearance to tell us what we had to do to try out for the team. The anticipation was palpable and was evident by the noticeable excitement of all of the boys in attendance. One kid in particular, had begun tackling people randomly and knocking them to the floor. Those that were tackled simply got up and accepted it as a playful thing and didn’t do much in retaliation. I knew this kid, but I wasn’t friends with him. I didn’t think we got along well enough that he would want to goof off that way with me. He did anyway. Before I knew it, he blindsided me by rushing towards me and knocking me down to the gym floor. I was wearing my back-pack at the time, with both straps draped over my shoulders, so when I hit the floor, I fell back-pack first. The weight of the books in my back-pack momentarily kept me pinned to the gym floor like a turtle turned on it’s shell. I just teetered there for a few brief moments. Rather than let it go, I got up and rushed my assailant, who quickly went into a boxer’s stance. I hadn’t even reached him before he threw a jab at me and knocked me to the floor. I still had my stupid back-pack on so again, I teetered there like a cockroach who had fallen on its back after attempting an ill advised leap. I got up again and ditched the back-back and again rushed towards my aggressor. Again, he throws a jab and I hit the ground. I get up again and repeat my vain attempt at a counter attack, but it only brings back mental images of Rocky Balboa going up against Ivan Drago in Rocky IV where Rocky gets dropped over and over again and they’re only in Round 1! By the time I get up for the fourth time, the other kid loses interest in me and stops the assault. I gather my things, walk out of the gym and head home, never joining the 7th grade football team.

My two subsequent fights were not as eventful and don’t even bare recounting, but here we go anyway. I fought a kid by the name of Joel, (which, by the way, is the name of one of my sons now). He was a chubby kid who, for some reason or another, picked a fight with me by taking my back-pack (freakin’ back-pack), and throwing it up a tree. I faced him head on and took on a boxer’s stance, much like the one I saw that school gym kid take with me. I threw jabs at Joel, striking him several times on the shoulder. He didn’t fight back. He literally stood there and absorbed my punches. After about six or seven punches, I realized, “This kid’s not gonna fight back? I think he’s in shock?”. I stopped throwing punches and grabbed my cursed back-packed off the tree, and walked home.

My third and last fist fight of my life happened at the age of thirteen, on the school playground. My friends and I had begun teasing a much taller older kid about his slanted eyes, constantly referring to him as “chino”, which was quite a racist, derogatory term typically used to describe anyone of Asian origin. And the kid wasn’t even Asian! He just looked Asian! Anyway, having reached his boiling point, he attacked the closest of his instigators which just happened to be me. He threw a few punches, which I successfully dodged and countered with a punch of my own, one of which grazed his forehead. Feeling he was wasting his time, however, “chino”stopped throwing hay-makers and walked away, leaving the victor of the fight in question.

That’s it. Those are all of the fights I’ve ever been in. I’ve shied away from a couple of other fights, but those are left for another blog.

 

 

Stereotypical Basketball


This comedian totally stereotypes the game of basketball and the audience lets him get away with it! Even if you don’t like sports, this guy NAILS it!

The Resurrection and Stand Up Comedy


Image

There are plenty of Christian comics out there and the material they perform is often times, squeaky clean and non-controversial and there are other Christian comics out there whose material isn’t quite as clean. Although I don’t use curse words in my act, some of my material can be interpreted as less than Christian-like.

When I decided to do Stand Up, I decided to share the good, the bad and the ugly with my audiences. As a follower of Christ, I admit that I am a sinner and need salvation. In fact, for those of you that think that churches are full of self righteous people, allow me to give you the right perspective on that. I’ve heard it expressed this way before, “The churches are all filled with sinners.” I’ll add to that, Biblically, you cannot come to a faith in Christ unless you’ve admitted that you are indeed a sinner and are in need of a Savior, who has taken your place in the punishment that was supposed to be yours to bear, but has been paid in full by Jesus. This does NOT mean that you STOP sinning! It only means that you recognize that fact and that as you strive to live as He would want you to live, every day He helps you deal with all of your weaknesses.

I will not get into a sermon but, I wanted to express how I could say the things that I say on stage and still consider myself a Christian. As a comic, I’m putting it ALL out there! Humor comes from the reality of life and some of my experiences resonate with audiences because they too can relate. I’ve decided to reach deep inside my life and take out all the garbage and put it all out on display in a way that we have no choice but to laugh. I’m not proud of some of the things I do or did in my life but, the humor that results from it not only makes people happy but, keeps me grounded. I will never claim to be more ‘Righteous than thou!”, but I believe that one day, my life will serve as a testimony to others that Christianity is more than just dressing up in your Sunday best, going to church, singing some praise and worship tunes and tuning out the Pastor’s message as you contemplate what you’re going to eat at Furr’s Buffet!

When people discover that I am a Christian and then question my faith because of what they see on stage, I can confidently say that I will have an answer for them. I’m prepared:

1 Peter 3:15

… Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect…

Who knew that Stand Up would be a springboard to getting a deeper message across?

HAPPY RESURRECTION SUNDAY!

Omar’s Patreon Site. Pledge your support!

https://www.patreon.com/omarcomedian?ty=h

Here Are The Things That Make Me, Me…


 

wp

  • I used to stare at the sun only because my mom told me not to. I ended up having to go to the eye doctor who proceeded to laugh when I told him why I did it. The real reason was because I thought that if I stared at the sun long enough, I may develop Superman laser vision.
  • I was in an elevator as the door was closing. A woman came running up to the door and yelled for me to hold the elevator. I didn’t think I could hit the button in time, so I let it go. In the process, we made eye contact with each other, kinda like when the mom in the movie, ‘The Good Son’, looked at Macaulay Culkin when she let go of his grip and he fell to his death off a cliff. The other person managed to hit the button on the outside of the elevator and the door opened back up. I looked at her and said, “Sorry, I didn’t see you.”
  • I faked a leg cramp during my first kiss.
  • I spilled a full party bowl of macaroni salad that a co-worker brought to work. He was way too proud to have me ruin it for him, so I scooped it all back up and never told a soul.
  • When I was 7 years old, I started a fire in my mom’s bedroom. My little brother was the only witness. I told him not to tell and blamed the baby sitter. She had screwed up enough already.
  • I used to work as a prison guard. Scary, huh? Working around all those thieves, drug dealers, and violent offenders. And that was just the other guards.
  • I had extensive schooling and actually attended school for 7 years. It was high school.
  • I started losing my hair at the age of 13. I had long, wavy hair at the time and I got my mom to apply hair relaxer to it, cuz I preferred straight hair. She rubbed it all over my hair and scalp. When it was my brother’s turn, (he was also growing his hair out), she read the bottle aloud, “Hmmm, it says here, ‘Do not apply directly to scalp’.” Thanks, mom!
  • There’s a mugshot of me out there, somewhere. If you find it, I’ll give you $50.

 

 

The Nerve!


man-holds-donation-box

I did it. I opened a Patreon.com site where I seek people that wish to pledge to support me on a monthly basis, to continue in my Stand-up Comedy career. In exchange, I offer Exclusive Content that is created solely by me. Patrons can pledge anywhere between $1-$10 and I have also offered to donate a portion of those monthly pledges to a worthy cause.

At first, I felt really odd about asking for this type of help. I’m not trying to get rich off of this or anything like that? But, I feel that the comedy content I’ve created so far should somehow be rewarded. When you look at the big picture, I am an entertainer, first and foremost. Secondly, I create material that makes other people feel good. For the most part, it is people like me, and maybe even those reading this right now, that have made websites like Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, and a countless list of other social media outlets, rich. Have you ever stopped to consider that? Every time you post an original thought, joke, or idea on a social network, you attract others to read it. You do this absolutely free of charge! You entertain others with you wit, humor, passion, and then some! I can understand how that is not a huge deal to those that choose to contribute just to pass the time, or just to beat the boredom, but not me, or others like me. We work hard at creating what we do. And I’m not just talking about comedians. There are artists, DJ’s, poets, dancers, authors, all of which work hard at delivering work they can be proud of. You show your support by reading their books, going to their shows, listening to their music, or simply acknowledging their art, but in time, these works of art start to carry some value to them. And their creators start depending more and more on their craft to make a living off of what they do.

That is where I stand right now. I want to do stand-up for a living. I want to depend on my stand-up to put food on the table, pay my bills, pay for gas in my car, and pay for anything else that we should all be afforded. I cannot do that, however, by continuing to give away what I work so hard to create. While I will still provide some of my comedy content freely, I will eventually begin to phase into my new line of work, and when that happens, I’d like to jump on the moving train and not lose any momentum.

The site I created is simply my honest attempt at putting value in what I do. Those that choose to pledge, do so because they believe in me and want to hear more from me. Even those that don’t pledge, I know the support is there, because I see it in all the FB likes, and comments, and pics people post of the times that I’ve made them happy with something I’ve created. I’m not asking for a handout, by any means, rather, I am offering the opportunity for those that have followed my comedy career to see what else I can do. I’m offering Live Feeds on my joke writing techniques, backstage looks into stand-up, a weekly Video Blog, and a bunch more!

Nothing would make me prouder than to one day thank each supporter personally with an equal or greater offering of gratitude!

For those that are interested, here is a link to my Patreon site:

Omar’s Patreon Site. Pledge your support!

Thank you.

 

Ever sit next to someone at a crowded movie theater? If we thought aloud,


3-D Movie Viewers. Formally-attired audience sporting 3-D (3D) glasses during opening night screening of movie Bwana Devil-1st full length color 3-D (aka Natural Vision) motion picture, at Paramount Theater.  (Photo by J. R. Eyerman//Time Life Pictures/Getty Images)   Original Filename: zzyzx.jpg

the conversation might go like this:

  • “Don’t worry, I hate sitting next to strangers too.”
  • “It’ll be awkward at first, but at least we both like Mark Wahlberg.”
  • “Let’s make sure we both make an effort to avoid resting our arms on the arm rest between us. I know neither of us will be using it, but it’s all about respect.”
  • “Our knees may accidentally touch during the movie. Please don’t make it look obvious when you move yours away. It’ll hurt my feelings.Use the “Laugh & Move” technique. During a part of the movie, laugh uncontrollably to the point that your body moves, and your knee just naturally follows.It’s ok if it’s during a sad part of the movie. It has to be done.”
  • “It’s okay if we high five each other during the movie. After all, it is a Mark Walberg.flick”
  • “When the movie’s over, there will be no need for good byes. Just go and don’t look back.Chances are, our paths will cross again. Ted Part III is only a year away.”

 

Omar’s Patreon Site. Pledge your support!

Evil Twin


Questions-of-the-multiverse-dimensions-thumb-330x220-666831

My son asked, “Dad, if I had an evil twin, how would you be able to tell us apart?” I was like, “That’s easy…

1. “One of you would hide my remote control”

2. “One of you would put the empty carton of milk back in the fridge”

3. “One of you would keep leaving the toothpaste in the shower”

4. “One of you would leave an empty roll of toilet paper”

5. “One of you would keep my change every time I sent you to the store”

6. “One of you would yell at me, ‘I hate you!'”

And the other twin would be evil.

Omar’s Patreon Site. Pledge your support!

 

How To Tell That You Are Still A Momma’s Boy


Momma's Boy

I’ve always been a Momma’s boy and I’m not ashamed of it! I remember that my friends used to make fun of me when they found out that I would shower with my mom. I remember the last shower I took with my mom. I got out of the shower, all upset and was like, “Mom, I don’t think it’s a good idea that I shower with you anymore. My friends are making fun of me!”

My mom was like, “That’s okay, mijo, I understand. You’re getting older. Now hurry up and get dressed or you’re gonna be late for work.”

Here is a top ten list on how to tell that you, or someone you know, is still a Momma’s boy.

10. Mom not only still irons your clothes and lays them out on your bed every morning, she chooses what you wear.

9. Your mom parks her car by the curb because she’s converted her garage into your bedroom.

8. Your Mom calls your boss when you’re feeling too sick to work.

7. Mom Still gives you an allowance at the same rate it was when you were a teenager; $20.

6. Mom still buys your concert tickets to go see Motley Crue and drops you off at the show.

5. You’re using mom’s second car so that you don’t have to buy your own.

4. Mom knows your Facebook login information.

3. Mom refers to the woman you’re dating as your “little girlfriend”.

2. Mom accidentally walks in on you and your “little girlfriend”, while in your garage/bedroom and rather than walk out, says, “Do you have any dirty clothes or underwear you need me to wash, mijo?”

1. You blog about your Mom.