I’ve Been In Three Fist Fights


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I’ve spent most of my life trying to keep fit and remain athletic, but that doesn’t mean I know how to fight. Maybe I’m a little wiser now and might be able to handle myself better. After all, I was 13 years old the last time I fought anyone, so who knows what kind of power I harness now?

I remember my first fight, which turned out not to be much of a fight at all. I was twelve years old and joined the rest of my 7th grade friends at the school gym, preparing to sign up for the upcoming football season. It was just a bunch of us boys waiting for the coach to make an appearance to tell us what we had to do to try out for the team. The anticipation was palpable and was evident by the noticeable excitement of all of the boys in attendance. One kid in particular, had begun tackling people randomly and knocking them to the floor. Those that were tackled simply got up and accepted it as a playful thing and didn’t do much in retaliation. I knew this kid, but I wasn’t friends with him. I didn’t think we got along well enough that he would want to goof off that way with me. He did anyway. Before I knew it, he blindsided me by rushing towards me and knocking me down to the gym floor. I was wearing my back-pack at the time, with both straps draped over my shoulders, so when I hit the floor, I fell back-pack first. The weight of the books in my back-pack momentarily kept me pinned to the gym floor like a turtle turned on it’s shell. I just teetered there for a few brief moments. Rather than let it go, I got up and rushed my assailant, who quickly went into a boxer’s stance. I hadn’t even reached him before he threw a jab at me and knocked me to the floor. I still had my stupid back-pack on so again, I teetered there like a cockroach who had fallen on its back after attempting an ill advised leap. I got up again and ditched the back-back and again rushed towards my aggressor. Again, he throws a jab and I hit the ground. I get up again and repeat my vain attempt at a counter attack, but it only brings back mental images of Rocky Balboa going up against Ivan Drago in Rocky IV where Rocky gets dropped over and over again and they’re only in Round 1! By the time I get up for the fourth time, the other kid loses interest in me and stops the assault. I gather my things, walk out of the gym and head home, never joining the 7th grade football team.

My two subsequent fights were not as eventful and don’t even bare recounting, but here we go anyway. I fought a kid by the name of Joel, (which, by the way, is the name of one of my sons now). He was a chubby kid who, for some reason or another, picked a fight with me by taking my back-pack (freakin’ back-pack), and throwing it up a tree. I faced him head on and took on a boxer’s stance, much like the one I saw that school gym kid take with me. I threw jabs at Joel, striking him several times on the shoulder. He didn’t fight back. He literally stood there and absorbed my punches. After about six or seven punches, I realized, “This kid’s not gonna fight back? I think he’s in shock?”. I stopped throwing punches and grabbed my cursed back-packed off the tree, and walked home.

My third and last fist fight of my life happened at the age of thirteen, on the school playground. My friends and I had begun teasing a much taller older kid about his slanted eyes, constantly referring to him as “chino”, which was quite a racist, derogatory term typically used to describe anyone of Asian origin. And the kid wasn’t even Asian! He just looked Asian! Anyway, having reached his boiling point, he attacked the closest of his instigators which just happened to be me. He threw a few punches, which I successfully dodged and countered with a punch of my own, one of which grazed his forehead. Feeling he was wasting his time, however, “chino”stopped throwing hay-makers and walked away, leaving the victor of the fight in question.

That’s it. Those are all of the fights I’ve ever been in. I’ve shied away from a couple of other fights, but those are left for another blog.

 

 

Stereotypical Basketball


This comedian totally stereotypes the game of basketball and the audience lets him get away with it! Even if you don’t like sports, this guy NAILS it!

How To Tell That You Are Still A Momma’s Boy


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I’ve always been a Momma’s boy and I’m not ashamed of it! I remember that my friends used to make fun of me when they found out that I would shower with my mom. I remember the last shower I took with my mom. I got out of the shower, all upset and was like, “Mom, I don’t think it’s a good idea that I shower with you anymore. My friends are making fun of me!”

My mom was like, “That’s okay, mijo, I understand. You’re getting older. Now hurry up and get dressed or you’re gonna be late for work.”

Here is a top ten list on how to tell that you, or someone you know, is still a Momma’s boy.

10. Mom not only still irons your clothes and lays them out on your bed every morning, she chooses what you wear.

9. Your mom parks her car by the curb because she’s converted her garage into your bedroom.

8. Your Mom calls your boss when you’re feeling too sick to work.

7. Mom Still gives you an allowance at the same rate it was when you were a teenager; $20.

6. Mom still buys your concert tickets to go see Motley Crue and drops you off at the show.

5. You’re using mom’s second car so that you don’t have to buy your own.

4. Mom knows your Facebook login information.

3. Mom refers to the woman you’re dating as your “little girlfriend”.

2. Mom accidentally walks in on you and your “little girlfriend”, while in your garage/bedroom and rather than walk out, says, “Do you have any dirty clothes or underwear you need me to wash, mijo?”

1. You blog about your Mom.

Here I Blog Again. The Top 10 Life Lessons I’ve Learned


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I have learned a lot in my 43 years on this planet. The following 10 nuggets of advice will steer you in the right direction for a long and happy life:

10. You can still write a check to Domino’s Pizza even though you don’t have money in your bank account. Sure, you may have to pay the bank some large insufficient funds fees, but you won’t go hungry.

9. Ignoring your unsecured credit card bills will eventually cause them to go away. You may have to field a few credit collection agency calls, but you can always change your phone number, and getting a new phone number is always fun and exciting.

8. Periodically change your phone number because that is always fun and exciting.

7. Going to the doctor will only assure that they will find something wrong with you. You may not live to the ripe old age of 80, but you won’t have any huge medical debt either.

6. You don’t always have to pay your taxes. The IRS is pretty good about making payment arrangements anyway.

5. Don’t be so overprotective of your Social Security number. If you have followed my advice so far, if anybody steals your Social Security information, chances are, your credit rating will improve.

4. When reviewing your utility bills, keep in mind that the ” Due Date” listed is just a ploy to get to your money quicker. The real due date is the date listed on the Disconnection Notice you will receive within about seven days of that last bill.

3. Delay going to college. When you struggle in life, you can always tell your kids that they should go to college because you don’t want them to suffer like you had to.

2. Watch the championship match between Hulk Hogan and The Ultimate Warrior at least one time in your life. It’s free and it’s on YouTube.

1. Don’t drink and drive.

Calling in Sick? Call Dr. Feelgood!


Before my Underdog Comedy blog, I blogged about finding loopholes in things. The following is one of my favorites:

“I’m not coming in to work again today, boss. I’m still sick.”

“You’re sick again? Ok, remember, if you miss another day, we’re going to need a doctor’s note.”
Whether you’re really sick or just need an extended time away from work, the “We need you to bring a doctor’s note” line can really cut in to your mini sabbatical. Let’s assume you really aren’t sick? What goes through your mind when you hear that….”….bring a doctor’s note.” ? Is your employer asking you to PROVE that you were really sick during those extended days? How in the world can you prove you were sick when you really weren’t??!! Is this really what your employer is asking you to do?
To answer that, let’s read a portion of one of my Employee Manuals;
—If you miss three (3) consecutive working days because of illness or injury, you must, before returning to work, submit a doctor’s release slip stating that you may return to work with no
restrictions. If restrictions are required, your return to work will be dependent upon your ability to
effectively perform your regular job, even with the restrictions.—
Ahhh, let’s read that again with NEW loophole EYES;
—If you miss three (3) consecutive working days because of illness or injury, you must, before returning to work, submit a doctor’s RELEASE slip STATING THAT YOU MAY RETURN TO WORK WITH NO RESTRICTIONS. If restrictions are required, your return to work will be dependent upon your ability to
effectively perform your regular job, even with the restrictions.—
Where, in that last paragraph, do you read, “…doctor’s note stating that you WERE REALLY SICK”? All your employer really wants is to know that you are NO LONGER sick! So, for the cost of a doctor’s co-pay, you can walk right in to your doctor’s office and say, “Doc, I need a clean bill of health!” and voila! After a quick check of your vital signs, your doctor will send you on your way with a release slip stating how healthy you are!
I challenge you to pull out your own Employee’s Manual and read between the lines for yourself. The loopholes are there, people, and all it takes is applying a few 5th grade reading comprehension skills !
Until next time!!
:~)

It’s Over…


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I am seriously considering leaving Facebook. I’m slowly starting to realize that, far from being a promotional tool to get the word out on my stand up comedy journey, Facebook is nothing more than a public stage open to anyone and everyone. How in the world is someone supposed to get noticed that way! I’m trying to do something that very few people can do, and that’s stand up on a stage, where 100% of the audience’s attention is on me and no one else. Their ears hanging on every word that proceeds out of my mouth. I’m alone up there and my voice is the only one that can be heard creating all the laughter in the room. No one there is laughing at anything else. When I’m up there, it’s all about me, me me!

Let’s face it, that is exactly what Facebook is. We login and read the Newsfeed, which is filled with countless of posts begging us to “Like”, “Share” and “Comment”. There is also a barrage of posts including funny quotes or lines that are often times not original. I think that’s what annoys me the most. Try this, next time you see a post with a funny joke or quote, which the person seems to be taking all the credit for, cut and paste the entire line to your Internet browser and watch how often it is duplicated as a search result will discover several sites containing the same line! What’s even more frustrating is that when other people comment on those posts, the person posting it continues to take all of the credit! Comments such as, “Oh Paul, you always make my day with your hilarious posts! How do you come up with them so often?” Then Paul will reply, “It’s not easy but you’re very welcome!” UGH!!!!!! Cutting and pasting IS VERY EASY!!! I hate to sound like an attention whore, but honestly, at least for me, if I am trying to stand out and represent myself and what I do as a stand up comic, then I need to think of original ways of doing so. I can’t rely on a social network where originality is thrown out of the window. Succumbing to the temptation of visiting my Facebook makes me no different than everybody else. I can’t keep doing that if I hope to one day create a following that admires me for what I do and how I do it. Yes, I’m looking for that admiration but even more so, I’m looking to STAND OUT in a day and age where everyone else already does….

Signed,

The Underdog Comic

Comedian Tammy Pescatelli assaulted onstage as police refuse to arrest assailant


Comedian Tammy Pescatelli assaulted onstage as police refuse to arrest assailant.

The “hecklers” won’t stop and stand up comics can only use their words to contain them…

(Insert Rocky Theme Music Here)


A few months ago, I blogged about losing weight to improve my health and, materialistically, my appearance on stage. 3 1/2 months later, I’m happy to report that I am almost 20 pounds lighter and have lost 5 inches from my belly! The transformation has not made me funnier, but it has given me the confidence to get up on stage and do what I do with that extra special bit of attitude! I have eaten a low carb diet and have implemented a 6 day work out week.

My workouts involve weight training and cardio and I alternate the 2 each day. Considering that I am weightlifting, I do not put much stock on the weight scale, as that can be extremely deceiving. As I lose the weight, I increase muscle mass, so losing inches around by belly has been more important to me than what any scale reads.

Okay, rather than make this a boring “How to lose weight” blog, I want to share how it is that I would mentally prepare myself for every meal and every work out. I think that makes all the difference if you are trying to accomplish what I have so far. You’ve heard it time and time again, “Eat healthy and exercise”. It really doesn’t get any simpler than that. That hard part is in convincing yourself to follow through. Here is my 4 Step Plan:

1.  Choose a 12 week exercise plan. Pick up a magazine like Men’s Health or Women’s Health, two of the best resources I can recommend.

2.  Start a Low Carb diet. You can pick up any good resource at a library or book store. The meals are great and once you understand why it works, you’ll be even more motivated!

Steps 3 and 4 are purely mental and here they are:

3.  After 1 day of implementing a good meal plan, and trying to motivate yourself to exercise, remind yourself of the following: “I DID NOT GO OUT OF MY WAY TO EAT HEALTHY TO END UP SKIPPING OUT ON MY WORKOUT!”

4.  If you struggle with eating healthy, then remind yourself of the following: “I AM NOT PUTTING IN ALL THAT TIME AND EFFORT EXERCISING TO ONLY RUIN IT BY EATING THE GARBAGE I’VE GROWN ACCUSTOMED TO!”

That’s it. That’s how I do it. If you have ever played a sport, you’ve heard coaches tell you over and over again, “This game is 90% mental” or something along those lines. The very same is true in your battle for weight loss and better health. Good luck!