Evil Twin


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My son asked, “Dad, if I had an evil twin, how would you be able to tell us apart?” I was like, “That’s easy…

1. “One of you would hide my remote control”

2. “One of you would put the empty carton of milk back in the fridge”

3. “One of you would keep leaving the toothpaste in the shower”

4. “One of you would leave an empty roll of toilet paper”

5. “One of you would keep my change every time I sent you to the store”

6. “One of you would yell at me, ‘I hate you!'”

And the other twin would be evil.

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No One Else To Blame


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What’s wrong with our world today? Our kids don’t like to go outside and play. They stayed glued to the television as if it was the last day before the cable gets shut off. They are constantly looking down at their electronic devices, using them to type messages rather than communicate verbally with their friends. Everything is electronic now. You rarely see a kid on his bike any more. Most toddlers are riding battery operated toy cars. What’s happened to our youth? Are they to blame for taking advantage of the high tech age they live in?

I’m 40 years old now, and I look back on my youth and reminisce about all of the stuff I did growing up. Getting a bike for Christmas was always the highlight of my existence. I looked forward to riding it to my friends house all summer long. I rode my bike to baseball practice every afternoon. It made me mobile! Today, the word “mobile” is used to refer to an iPhone.

I watched one cartoon everyday after school. ONE! That was it. It was Tom & Jerry and it was only thirty minutes in duration. When it was done, outside I went! I had no preconceived idea about what I was going to do with my afternoon. I just went out and found SOMETHING to do. Our parents had to go out looking for us to get us to come back inside. They ALWAYS knew where to find us. And, they knew the phone numbers of each and every one of our friends.

As children, we hated getting up early every morning, but did so anyway. Our bodies just woke us up on time because we didn’t spend all night Facebooking or watching The Cartoon Network. Oh, but when Saturday rolled around, we were up at the crack of dawn! Everyone knew that all of the best cartoons were on at that time! We watched cartoons from 6am to 12pm. That’s right, we vegged for 4 hours and no one judged us for it. Mom and dad were usually home on Saturdays and breakfast and lunch were the best meals we’ve had all week! Homemade pancakes, eggs, grilled cheese sandwiches… man, the list could go on and on!

We all had our ideas on what a perfect world would be for a kid. We all dreamed of a 24 hours cartoon channel. We all dreamed about one day having the ability to stay connected to our friends non stop. We envisioned a world when we would no longer have to pedal a bicycle to get from place to place. What a great world it would be if we could have music blaring directly in our ears, so that we could play it as loud as we possibly could without mom and dad telling us to turn our music down or shut our bedroom door. Oh man, wouldn’t it be great if every time we got grounded and sent to our room, we could STILL watch TV and listen to music and talk to our friends? We would never have to leave our room at all! Punish us all you want, mom and dad!

Our children didn’t create the world they live in. We did…

Love and Betrayal

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My cat, Lois Lane, is an inside cat. Recently, she found her way outside. She was gone for 3 days and refused to return. She started hanging out with 2 other neighborhood cats. One of them is a cat I’ve never liked. He looks like thug! The cat has stripes and one of those stripes looks like a bandana wrapped around his head. That miserable cat likes to come around my trash can outside and, if he sees an opening, gets in the can and typically drags out as much garbage as he can. When I catch him in the act, he kinda just looks at me as if to say, “I’m not doing anything wrong, ese’.” Then, he’ll usually, nonchalantly, jump off the can and walk away with his tail in the air. The other cat is a much smaller cat and seems to be second hand to “Bandana”. I think he’s actually the look out. “Look Out” always stands alert as “Bandana” does his thing with the neighborhood trash cans. When I’ve caught them both in the act, Look Out is the one that always takes off running fist, leaving Bandana to his own affairs.

Lois spent those 3 days running around with those punks. I tried all that I could to get her to come back. I would set out water and food, at my front door, every day, to try to get near enough to grab her. Every time I would open the door, she would take off running to the neighbor’s house, where she would duck under a car, where the other 2 misfits were waiting. I couldn’t get close to the car without them taking off. On one occasion, Lois made a dash to the neighbor’s car again, after I had come out of my front door. She immediately jumped onto my front yard fence and stopped for a brief moment and turned around to look at me, as if to say, “I’m not ready to come back. I’m having too much fun out here.” She would then jump off the fence and take off to parts unknown. Of course, with Twiddle Dee and Twiddle Dumb in tow.

During those 3 days, I felt betrayed. I’ve raised Lois for an entire year, and in that time, I’ve put her needs in front of mine. She’s always had fresh water and food in her bowls and a clean litter to go to. When I get home, I typically talk to her about my day and she’ll typically talk (meow) back. We understand each other. If she is not in the social mood, she’ll simply stay away and that’s okay with me. I’m not that social anyway. At night, we have our routine. If I am in any other part of the house, she’ll wait with me there until I’m ready to go to bed, at which point, she’ll follow me into the bedroom and will lie down with me to call it a day. In the morning, we’ll go through another routine. By 6am, she’s usually hungry and will try waking me by meowing up a storm. I’ll get up, complain to her, “Ay, calm down! It’s too early to eat anyway!”, feed her, then head back to my “Unemployment” bed. We’ve never fought. There hasn’t been a time that I remember when she’s done anything to upset me. But, this running away thing? Yeah, that’s got me reeling!

She never did come home on her own accord. I actually had to corner her in a bush to get her back. For the first time, Lois actually hissed at me! For 2 days after I got her back, she seemed distant and mean. She no longer went through our daily routine. Yeah, I was sad about it for a while, but I was a lot more angry about it. She ignored me, but I wasn’t in any mood to carry on as usual with her either! For 2 days, it went that way. Eventually, she got back into our routine, but I was still mad. It actually took me longer to get back to normal than it took her.

A few weeks later, she managed to get outside again. This time, through an open window that had a loose screen. I didn’t go looking for her this time around. I didn’t even put food and water out for her. If she thought she could have a better life out there without me, let her try to find it. I’m not a person to be stepped on.

She came back the next morning. She walked up to the back door, meowing up a storm, like she does when she’s hungry. I let her in and ignored her again for a few days. If she’s not going to appreciate me, I’m not going to put in an effort either. I don’t know what’s she’s been up to out there with Bandana and Look Out, but I’m sure it’s not good. Now, I fear the worst. I think she might be pregnant. I just hope that if she is, her kids won’t one day, take her for granted too. But then again, life has a funny way of showing you that “What comes around, goes around…”

A Joke in its Infancy

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It always amazes me when a new joke comes out of the gate and works! This bit has a lot of the joke writing elements to it that are crucial to its success. Rather than get in to the technical aspect of the joke, I’ll let you just enjoy it!